Secret
by Luna Imper
Summary: So many questions, so few answers.


A/N: This is my sort of "interpretation" of Edward's thoughts before he tells Bella that he is a vampire. This is not as radical as "Album Leaf", I am sorry to say. I enjoyed all the reviews I received from it. Really, after a day of writing 7 essays for classes, studying for AP tests, IB tests, EOCTs, finals, stressing about my driver's test, going to dance lessons, going to piano lessons, preparing for recitals, and trying to maintain a 4.0 **and** somehow move up in rank, the reviews are **SO** welcome. Inspiration for this one? The CLAZZIQUAI Project (yes, CLAZZIQUAI), sleep deprivation, IB stress, and need for another Free Writing. Please review, I'm always up for compliments/criticism. I appreciate it a lot when people take the time to tell me what they think.

This fanfic can also be found on my _Twilight _website, **With You**, which can be accessed from my profile.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns _Twilight, _not I.

**Secret**

"_I've got a secret._  
_I'll never tell._  
_Anyone who wants to know?_  
_I've already gone through hell."_

What would you do?

What would you do in a situation like mine? Would you tell the truth, would you expose the big lie that your life really is?

Would you?

Would you tell this secret? Would you tell it to the girl that means everything to you? Would you? Could you?

I cannot.

I cannot expose myself.

It is better that we are just friends. She does not need to know who I am. She does **not** need to be dragged down by a monster. She does not deserve it. God, do I even deserve her?

No, I do not deserve her.

No matter how supercilious my race is, I know that this is certain. I DO NOT DESERVE HER. I will NEVER deserve her.

She deserves another of her race. She deserves a normal life. A normal life of a human husband, two kids, and a suburban house with a white picketed fence. A life that I cannot give. I life I was never able to achieve. Am I angry about that? Am I?

She deserves it all. She deserves the world, not to live in shadow and be pressed by the very weight of the sun. She should live in the warmth and bask in the very essence that is life. She should not tremble in the darkness and shiver with the spirit of death. She should have her innocence. She should be left clean, pure, and _human_. She should have her humanity, the thing that makes her so beautiful, the thing that makes her so…Bella. She should. She should.

What would you do?

What am I going to do?

Maybe she will not bring the issue up again. I hope so. God, I hope so. If we could just leave the issue alone and move on…I wish…oh, I wish. Maybe she will never think of it again. Maybe she will leave it alone, please leave it alone, please. But it rips me to shreds to know that this wish will not come true. It tears me to pieces to know that I will have to deal with it soon. Why does it have to be her? Why? WHY?

What am I going to do?

What would Edward do?

What will I do?

Can I really tell this secret? Can I **really** do that to my family, those people who I have lived with and connected with during this eternal living death? My family has been the ones to share my burden, to keep our secret from the world. My family, the ones I know will always accept me for who I am. The ones who will never shrink away at who I have become, what I have become. They have never betrayed me, why should I betray them? Is it worth it? Is love really worth it?

Oh, if the feeling were not this strong, how much easier this life would be. How much easier it would be say no and live without the thirst. To live without the limitations on interaction, to be "normal."

If only there was no thirst.

What would you do?

What would Edward do?

Edward would not let himself be tempted by some silly human girl who has no idea of the situation at hand. Edward would never be taken over by emotion. Edward would stay ever aloof from human society, keeping interaction at a minimal. Edward would, Edward should.

But God, she is so different.

She is not some silly human girl. She has more sense than all of the girls in my classes put together. I have been taken over by emotion because of her. I am breaking down my walls and interacting with her, a human. I am, I really am.

What would you do? Would you stand to the side and get into the traffic of monotony? Would you not take the road less traveled and stick to a road that everyone knows? Would you stick to familiarity? Would you go along as you always have? I need answers. Oh, I need them quick.

Edward, should you be different? Edward, should you take the road less traveled? Should you take the plunge and go against the grain? Should you take a different route? Edward, you have to think. She does not have eternity. Edward, you have to know. Edward, you have to know. Edward, think. Edward, think hard.

Would you tell this secret? Would you tell it to the girl that means everything to you? Would you? Could you?

It is better that we are just friends. She does not need to know who I am. She does **not** need to be dragged down by a monster. She does not deserve it.

Bella, you do not deserve it. You do not deserve it.

What will my family think?

What will my family say?

What would Edward do?

What will Edward do?

Oh Lord, this time, maybe…I have made a big mistake.

Wait.

Scratch that. The love I feel for Bella Swan will never be a mistake.

_This_, is not a mistake.

Instead...

No matter what happens, what decisions I make, what questions come up, or what questions are left unsaid, I do have one answer.

We are not a mistake.


End file.
